Well, this is tough…
It’s been an interesting few weeks. I’m not really sure where to begin, so I suppose at the beginning, seems reasonable. This could be long, rambling and painful, so if you’re really not interested, come back later, maybe the posts will be shorter.
A number of years ago I married a woman that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It turns out that over the years we have grown apart, some argue that is a choice that I’ve made, others agree with me that it’s something that can just plain happen, I’ll leave you to your own conclusions. I can tell you this much, over the past years, I have tried to communicate, in various ways, that I was unhappy and things needed to change. I will accept that it is entirely possible that I may not communicate well, I will also accept 100% of the blame for my marriage breaking up. I will however, require that the other party involved accepts 100% of the blame as well. Whatever else it is that has happened a relationship has died. It’s a very sad thing, I am surprised at some of the emotions I feel, I thought this would be easier. I know it’s the correct decision for me, and I’m pretty sure that, in time, my children and wife will come to agree that it is the correct decision for all of us. I don’t want my kids growing up in a house where Dad really has no interest in being there. It would be horrible for them. I just must make the effort to be with them as much as I can.
The worst part about all of this is that I feel very little for the person in this that I’ve hurt the most, the woman that I married. It’s very strange, I’ve analyzed a lot of feelings over the past few weeks and the one person that I really don’t feel much but sorry for is my wife. Very strange.
So, needless to say, things have been strange for me lately. I live with my sister and brother-in-law, which is turning out to be a very cool experience. My sister and I disagree on a few rather major choices I’ve made in my life, but we still love each other and it’s interesting to see how two people can disagree (vehemently), air their differences and still love each other. I guess that’s what happens when one (me) lets someone else (my sister) in to their “inner circle” or the inner sanctum of whom and what they love. One of the things that I’ve realized about myself, over this time, is that I don’t very easily let people in to “me” some people will see some sides of me, but I rarely go “all in” with anyone. I believe this to be one of the strong failures of me, with my wife. I don’t think I ever really allowed myself to love her or to be loved by her. How strange is that? It’s a very strange thing to come to realize about oneself as well. It’s actually very tough to look at yourself and realize that you may actually be 100% to blame for all the pain and misery that you’re causing a group of people.
With that being said, I also realize that having put myself and my wife through the past 11 years of marriage. I have distanced myself so far from her, that there is no hope of return. If I can cause her irreparable harm, so much pain that she screams and “hates” me and not even feel interested. I think that’s pretty good proof of how far I’ve gone in a direction.
There are many other things happening in my life, now. For the most part, I am just trying to lay low, chill out and not get in to any more trouble. I think I’ve caused my kids, parents, siblings and friends enough pain for now. That’s the worst part, you know? I’m a people pleaser, I always try to like and be liked by people. It’s tough to hurt so many people. In the end, yet, I still think I’ve made the correct decision.
On an interesting note, the “Christian” community has responded in many different ways. I’m going to leave my parents and siblings out of this as, while some of them are part of said community, they will, by virtue of the fact that they are my family, respond differently. One person that I’ve known for many, many years has “forgotten” my name, I don’t think it’s intentional, they have just started calling me by another name, it’s strange. Others have responded with cards or e-mail, telling me how much they hate what I’m doing. The only person (again, family excluded) that has bothered to talk to me (AND, I might add, that was only after I made the first move) has asked questions, saying that they wanted to understand what’s in my head. I know this person loves me, I know I’ve hurt them, but I know that they still love me and I know that they have no way of understanding this.
Another interesting note. I took some time off from the pub last night to write most of what you’ve just read. I went back to the pub and talked for a number of hours with an “old” acquaintance about their divorce and how they and their kids handled it. It was a great talk and I came away from it feeling like I wasn’t the worst person in the world. That was nice.
I think, after this post I’ll disable comments on the blog for a while. I don’t want people posting nasty comments up here (you know who you are!), but if you’d like to send me an e-mail, please go ahead e-mail to blarneystonedblog@gmail.com.
BS
A number of years ago I married a woman that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It turns out that over the years we have grown apart, some argue that is a choice that I’ve made, others agree with me that it’s something that can just plain happen, I’ll leave you to your own conclusions. I can tell you this much, over the past years, I have tried to communicate, in various ways, that I was unhappy and things needed to change. I will accept that it is entirely possible that I may not communicate well, I will also accept 100% of the blame for my marriage breaking up. I will however, require that the other party involved accepts 100% of the blame as well. Whatever else it is that has happened a relationship has died. It’s a very sad thing, I am surprised at some of the emotions I feel, I thought this would be easier. I know it’s the correct decision for me, and I’m pretty sure that, in time, my children and wife will come to agree that it is the correct decision for all of us. I don’t want my kids growing up in a house where Dad really has no interest in being there. It would be horrible for them. I just must make the effort to be with them as much as I can.
The worst part about all of this is that I feel very little for the person in this that I’ve hurt the most, the woman that I married. It’s very strange, I’ve analyzed a lot of feelings over the past few weeks and the one person that I really don’t feel much but sorry for is my wife. Very strange.
So, needless to say, things have been strange for me lately. I live with my sister and brother-in-law, which is turning out to be a very cool experience. My sister and I disagree on a few rather major choices I’ve made in my life, but we still love each other and it’s interesting to see how two people can disagree (vehemently), air their differences and still love each other. I guess that’s what happens when one (me) lets someone else (my sister) in to their “inner circle” or the inner sanctum of whom and what they love. One of the things that I’ve realized about myself, over this time, is that I don’t very easily let people in to “me” some people will see some sides of me, but I rarely go “all in” with anyone. I believe this to be one of the strong failures of me, with my wife. I don’t think I ever really allowed myself to love her or to be loved by her. How strange is that? It’s a very strange thing to come to realize about oneself as well. It’s actually very tough to look at yourself and realize that you may actually be 100% to blame for all the pain and misery that you’re causing a group of people.
With that being said, I also realize that having put myself and my wife through the past 11 years of marriage. I have distanced myself so far from her, that there is no hope of return. If I can cause her irreparable harm, so much pain that she screams and “hates” me and not even feel interested. I think that’s pretty good proof of how far I’ve gone in a direction.
There are many other things happening in my life, now. For the most part, I am just trying to lay low, chill out and not get in to any more trouble. I think I’ve caused my kids, parents, siblings and friends enough pain for now. That’s the worst part, you know? I’m a people pleaser, I always try to like and be liked by people. It’s tough to hurt so many people. In the end, yet, I still think I’ve made the correct decision.
On an interesting note, the “Christian” community has responded in many different ways. I’m going to leave my parents and siblings out of this as, while some of them are part of said community, they will, by virtue of the fact that they are my family, respond differently. One person that I’ve known for many, many years has “forgotten” my name, I don’t think it’s intentional, they have just started calling me by another name, it’s strange. Others have responded with cards or e-mail, telling me how much they hate what I’m doing. The only person (again, family excluded) that has bothered to talk to me (AND, I might add, that was only after I made the first move) has asked questions, saying that they wanted to understand what’s in my head. I know this person loves me, I know I’ve hurt them, but I know that they still love me and I know that they have no way of understanding this.
Another interesting note. I took some time off from the pub last night to write most of what you’ve just read. I went back to the pub and talked for a number of hours with an “old” acquaintance about their divorce and how they and their kids handled it. It was a great talk and I came away from it feeling like I wasn’t the worst person in the world. That was nice.
I think, after this post I’ll disable comments on the blog for a while. I don’t want people posting nasty comments up here (you know who you are!), but if you’d like to send me an e-mail, please go ahead e-mail to blarneystonedblog@gmail.com.
BS
posted by blarney stoned at 17:45
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